A PERSONAL COVENANT

The Sexuality & Desire Declaration

NINETEEN PRINCIPLES · IN ORDER OF WEIGHT · FIRST EDITION

From this day forward, I declare my commitment to knowing what I actually want. I will treat this as a subject I am allowed to learn rather than one I am supposed to already understand. I will say the thing rather than hope it is guessed. And I will not measure a private life against a public account of one.

If anything here involves coercion or non-consent, this document is not the next step. In the United States, RAINN is 1-800-656-4673, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, and 988 reaches the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

I BUILD Building the understanding

  • 1Say it out loud, because communication is the strongest predictor there is. A meta-analysis of forty-eight studies found sexual communication positively associated with sexual function and satisfaction. It is the single most consistently supported mechanism in the domain, and it is the one people most reliably substitute hoping for.

18 more principles

The rest of the Sexuality & Desire Declaration

18 principles remain — including the Unpretty Truths, the principles that contradict conventional wisdom outright, with the evidence for why. That is the part nobody else prints.

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What this does not claim

Nothing here prescribes what anybody should want, how often, or with whom. No finding establishes a normal, and the absence of one is itself among the more useful things in this literature. The honest claim is narrower: communication is the most consistently supported predictor of satisfaction in the domain; responsive desire is ordinary and widely misread as a problem; concealment carries measurable psychological cost; and a great deal of what people believe about sex is inherited from sources that were never accurate.